I know this is the worst thing one can do if ever hoping to find another job again, so I’m going to start with this disclaimer: The following is (clearly) satire and may or may not be based on my personal (current) experiences. (Ugh. It seems to be the best I can do.) Ok, on to the main event: having to work for a living.

Most of us at some point in our young lives come to the realization that our society requires us to work for a living. Some are smart enough to come up with something they like or have an ease for learning, or are even passionate about. Some think in terms of which profession will yield the income they’re hoping to build their lives around. And then there are those who, much like the lackadaisical squirrels who did not store those proverbial nuts for winter, floated through their youth never knowing what they wanted “to be when they grew up.” They may have been decently bright; they may even have gotten some sort of degree. But they never chased any specific dream (ok, seriously, whose dream is it to spend their life working?) and so they found themselves stuck on a conveyor belt of boring, pointless jobs (never a career – or even anything interesting or fun – just something to finance their extravagant lifestyle of living indoors and consuming food).

Those are the ones who, never having planned for this cold winter of the soul, waste away in situations that can in turn be seen as tragically sad or absurdly hilarious (depending on the day, mood, etc.) I was contemplating such a situation – of someone I know, of course, who shall remain (as they often feel at work) nameless. I thought about them being told to be a “squeaky wheel” when things didn’t get done even after they brought up the topic over and over leading up to the deadline. I thought about that sense of helplessness when having literally no authority to enact anything, and instead having to wait for input, feedback, or some action from those in charge being a slow wait in hell.

Basically, it seems, these job descriptions should include “babysitter.” And I wondered how that would play out, if a job description were honest…

The office of So-and-So is looking for an impossibly patient, independent-thinking-but-not-acting, devoid of personality team player. Your responsibilities will be to walk that fine line between gentle reminding and outright nagging, knowing how often for a reminder is too often (but not minding the subsequent frustrated reaction when wrong); listening supportively to higher-ups complain about their workload, lack of help, and the work ethics of an entire younger generation (or two); navigating the wonderful world of endless unanswered emails, incomplete information, and general lack of training, while being prepared to complete whatever task is thrown at you – especially one not mentioned sooner but needing to be completed ASAP. The ideal candidate will hopefully feel so beaten down already that it won’t take long for them to become a workplace zombie (but without the fun brain-eating part). So, if you enjoy not being able to complete tasks because no one has the time to stop spinning in place and actually provide you with the information you need, this might be the place for you. As an added bonus, you might get to stress out about there being enough money in the account in time to process payroll (most months).

Of course, we’d like to offer as little compensation as possible. And it should go without saying that benefits might be a bit of an uphill battle – once the laughter dies down, that is.

Please apply in person because we receive too many emails to read any of them.